||||| ||||| ||||| ||||| ||||| ||

So, yesterday was my 27th birthday.  January 4, 1981, I was born.  I'm not old enough to hide my age and not so young that I reply with fractions or round up and say "I'm going to be..." when people ask how old I am.

I don't celebrate birthdays, of course.  But the anniversary of one's birth has this naturally reflective quality for most people, including myself.  Some dwell more on the years that have come and gone.  And some focus on the untapped potential of the future.  I did a little of both yesterday.

When I was 15, I remember telling someone "I will die before I'm 25.  And if I'm not dead, I'll kill myself." *   My thinking was that I didn't really want to commit suicide, but I was "hopeful" that something would spur on my demise.  And if not, I would have to step in because who wants to get old?  

I was about 13 when Kurt Cobain died at the age of.. 27.  He quoted Neil Young in his suicide note when he wrote, "'it's better to burn out' than to fade away".  This profound statement captured how most young people view getting older.  Your skin loosens, things sag, hair grays, body stiffens, fears swell, bitterness hardens and you get really, really lame and out of touch.  That's how I viewed aging.   

Coming to my senses at age 19 shed a lot of light on my gloomy conceptions.   I eventually started looking forward to my thirties and saw it as a time when uncertainty is behind you, you've figured yourself out, and built up enough experience to proceed with method and precision into whatever you do.  You can meaningfully press on.

As you get further into "your future" one question in particular seems to swell and reverberate on each birthday - "What have I accomplished?"  But this time around, I don't really want to think about that because what I have accomplished is not as important as what I can accomplish or rather, what I'm going to accomplish... which is still undecided.  Actually, I opted to just wait for tomorrow so I don't have to think about it.  (haha)

Ultimately, the most important thing for me is to remove all the circles.  Those destructive patterns that creep into my life and surround me.  The circuits that thrive on repetition.  I fear that they get stronger each time I run the course.   And they're more patient than I am because they know I'll return to their familiar grip.

But it's 2008 now and I'm on the cusp of a new cycle.  I can see the crest of its waves approaching me in the distance.  And I've had 27 years to prepare for its arrival.

__________________________________________________

* Is that unusual for teens?  I don't think so but my gauges could be off.  Now teens are learning to love their fleshly selves like rabid little dogs so maybe death is not the first thing on their list.  They'd much rather advertise tiny teen problems as massive despair to their friends to extract maximum comfort and consolation (attention followed by praise).  But I'll not go on that tangent.  Thankfully, I do know some teens who are exceptions to this rule (Linda, Sandra, Tiffany just to name a few).